Dating the second time around

Our courtship lasted for about a year, but dealing with a typical man, “dating” stopped after the first month, when he became sure that I was going to stick around. No wondering whether I’d get a goodnight kiss, a follow up call, another date. Even if it seems contrived to have to schedule time together, DO IT! But, when one of the members of that endangered species called “single men” asked me out, I summoned up the courage to say “Yes” and began my long journey through “dating hell.” Trying to find an eligible bachelor when you are over thirty is next to impossible. I was working in a restaurant where one of the customers apparently had spotted me and thought I was cute. Trying to carry on a conversation with this guy was not only difficult; it was painful. I struggled for an hour, trying to keep the conversation going. His response, “They’re nice.” I inquired about his job. Even if you are the most skilled conversationalist, a date won’t work if your companion has nothing to say. I knew that going on a blind date was just asking for trouble. Wrong.” Plus, a couple of weeks after his mysterious disappearance, I met another guy. There simply were no eligible men in my age bracket. The big clue that he was not really interested came when he never bothered to RSVP for my thirty-fifth birthday party. Younger guys may be nice to look at, no wrinkles or gray hair, nice firm bodies. Fifty ads were narrowed down to ten, then ten to two. It described the man as 35, 6’4″, athletically built, likes kids. We spoke several more times then agreed to meet in a local bar.

(Canceling my adventure to Australia, moving into his beach pad and the utterance of that fatal “L” word, must have been all he needed to turn the love-o-meter down and settle into complacency.) So, we basically “dated” for a month, then cohabitated. If you are re-entering the dating world after a long vacation, here are several rules to follow in order to avoid the losers and leaches I encountered and find Mr. Rule # 1: Make sure he is able to carry on a conversation. He asked his friend to ask me if I would go out with him. After a brief conversation, he seemed to be somewhat normal, so I agreed to a dinner date. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. After going out with two dullards, I remained dateless for another year. It’s like looking for the prize at the bottom of a cracker jax box. That knowledge was too much for him to handle, so he cut and run. I called him to ask about it and ended getting the “I don’t want a commitment, I’m not ready for anything serious” speech. But, a firm body does not go far if you are looking for a commitment and he is sowing his wild oats. He described himself as having a football build with a short black crew cut. The bar was packed so I scanned the crowd carefully.

Reasons why the first date may not have worked out: Attractiveness: The date is unattractive.

Whether or not someone is physically attractive to someone else tends to be idiosyncratic.

I had no interest in moving our doomed relationship to that level and said so. All I said was, “I will not do that until I decide to make a commitment to someone.” Harmless enough, I thought. Ex-girlfriends are also a problem if your intended has plans to win her back. After an impromptu conversation one day on the beach, we decided to meet for dinner and ended up dating steadily for about two months. At the time, I had not yet met this friend so I was not privy to this information. He self-righteously proclaimed that he might have acknowledged my presence if I had bothered to walk all of the way up to the bar. decided that I would wait it out in the privacy and security of my home. Right was going to find me, he was going to have to find me on my couch. The second ad I had circled was still lying safely and innocently on my coffee table, just begging to be read. I made it very clear to him that he had about 60 seconds to make his presence known. Knowing that the majority of guys in the bar would fit that description, I figured I would never find him and the date would be a bust. Miraculously, he fit his description and he had pulled his stool out from the bar so he would stand out from the crowd. He was funny and successful and intelligent and cute! ” For me it was not love at first sight, it took about fifteen minutes.

He flipped out and shouted at me, “Commitment, I can’t give you a commitment! ” I looked at him in shock and dismay as he ran screaming from my house, never to call again. I jumped in head first, totally blind to approaching disaster. But since I couldn’t be bothered to make the effort, either could he. A quick drink to check each other out turned into five hours of intense conversation. After years of wading through the swamp of frogs and toads, persistence had paid off.

Someone who may have been described as very attractive, turns out on the first date not to be appealing at all.

But, alas, as time passed, loneliness set in, so with much consternation, I agreed to another fix up. If you don’t like your prize, no returns, you are stuck with it. I didn’t know what he looked like so I nervously scanned the crowd for what seemed like hours. He was short but passably cute and definitely no slouch in the conversation department. He not only did not apologize; he didn’t even try to explain why he was late. We went to the theater, had a late dinner, stopped at a trendy coffee shop. It turned out, his long, lost love had come back to him and they had gotten engaged. I was at the age where I saw no need to date a guy if there was no chance of a serious commitment. Depending on where you are in your life, age should not matter. A firm body can be a pleasant distraction from your dating woes. I thought only losers and rejects had to advertise for a date. I stood in the bar for about 15 minutes, feeling like a complete idiot, but no one approached me, so I left. If not, move on, you’re too young.” What did I have to lose? You may even find him while reading the paper in the safety and security of your home.

If I press a patient to explain to me why someone was not attractive, I do not get very clear answers.

Sometimes someone says, “She’s very overweight” or “He’s bald,” but more often I get a shrug.

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